My Song

http://apexvoiceoutside.org.uk/siobhan/

My Speech on Autism

Hi I am Siobhan and I am here to share my experiences with you

We all have a child inside……

What makes one different with autism?

I hope I can help you understand.

Sensory Awareness

Hearing

When I was a young child, my hearing was super sensitive so much so that in a busy place with all round sounds, everything merged and I could not hear people speaking until they were waving their hands in front of my face. At quiet times the smallest or sudden noise would make me jump. Equally I did not like places which produced echoes such as bathrooms and school corridors.

Voice

Because I did not hear things clearly my speech was muffled and others found me hard to understand.

I found this very disheartening so much so that I found it easier not to speak at all.

It would have been much better if people had spoken clearly to me in quiet surroundings.

Eyes

At night if a bright light was turned off and I was plunged into darkness, it would leave an image of a large intricate sphere which felt like the alien anxiety that controlled me everyday.

This can be eased by leaving a low or coloured light on when turning off the main light.

I never looked at people in the eyes so I did not come across as believable.

Feeling

As a baby I was highly sensitive and could feel different textures but as life got busier noisier and brighter, I went into shutdown and then lost my sense of touch until my mid 20s.

I had many allergies growing up and my parents had to strip out all the carpets and bedding in my room after I went into a coma aged nine years. I was tested and found to be allergic to most of the common things.

I did not like wool as it was itchy and very uncomfortable and would make me sneeze lots.



All the senses

Over all I felt slightly tranquilized and this meant I was delayed in responding to people and I also felt dreamlike.

Due to sensory overload I would slip into ‘Tunnel Vision,’ the end of the tunnel would split and I would be found staring into the abyss.

This was not a problem for me no matter how long it lasted, but unfortunately it annoyed others who were left outside my tunnel.



Literal Thinking

Growing up was a very difficult time for all of us. The gimmicks and jokes are very hard to follow when you think in a literal way.

Pull your socks up - I would crouch down immediately and pull my socks up

No No I would be shouted at by my parents and they would get frustrated because I did not understand.

Has the cat catch your tongue - I would stare with a quizzed look on my face

And I would see a cat with my tongue in his mouth as I never understood.

This would effect game play also as if I saw a tyre on a rope and other children swinging on it. I would be quizzing over the tyre that should be on a car not the rope. Due to this wrong in life I would be found standing aside.

Because I did not understand jokes and behaviours I would try too laugh at the same time as others and pretend I knew. Sometimes I would get it wrong.



Play

I enjoyed playing alone. I felt uncomfortable around other children because they seemed so unpredictable. The noise of the children screaming would echo and hurt my ears making me more disorientated.

It was better when one child joined in with my own interests and

fascinations in a quiet way.



Copy behaviour

Its hard to understand why you are different than the other children, as they seemed to find things so easy and its like you have missed a trick and are the one left behind all the time. To survive and get through you would have to copy others - some kids recognize and support you - but unfortunately others notice you copying and realize your weakness and would find you an easy target to bully.

I did not know my brain was not functioning in the same way as the other kids.

Behaviour

When people would tell me off by shouting , I could never make sense of the vicious words so I used to think I was being told off due to being different and would often fail to see why I was being told off at all.

Teaching an autistic person right from wrong has to be done in a gentle way.

I had an inability to express emotions. I was neither aggressive or happy or sad. I just was. If upset I had no emotional reaction. This lead to depression especially in my teenage years. When I eventually did cry, it felt as though it was not me. Every emotion had to be practised to make it feel real. Initially, no emotion felt real. Later, emotions became mixed into one which resulted in what was perceived as outrageous behaviour.

Boundaries

Every one has boundaries but for autistic people it is very important due to sensory overload. I am no good with people moving in on my space - If I cant move my arms around then you are too close. If I begin to feel overwhelmed due to some ones close presence I will eventually lash out. This is because I can not say how I feel.

It is best when other allowed me to go to them when I feel ok to do so.

　

Repetition

By 19 years the pressure became too much. I broke down and was wrongly interned.

Here I became institutionalized and in the ten years I was in and out of the mental hospital I felt comfortable with its routine so much so that I found it hard to live outside as everything had been done for me.

I felt disoriented and destructive when discharged from hospital. Because I had no pattern to follow I would regularly go into violent rages and became a danger to myself.

I would self harm just to get back in.

It would have been much better if I had been trained into a routine which I could have used outside.





　

Self harm

When an autistic person is trying to explain their experiences of life it is demeaning if the listener replies, “I know how you feel, its happened to me” or “I felt like that.”



But the speaker is trying to explain autism and the listener is not autistic and can not have experienced it in the same way. This leads to a feeling of failure to explain their condition clearly. This can make one speechless and can lead to self loathing and sometimes self harm.

Empathy is best achieved by saying ‘I have experienced similar things but it must be even more difficult for you as you are autistic.’



Reinventing myself aged 22

My C.P.N helped me to give eye contact in the town. This is when I realized that I had not been aware of my surroundings before.

Looking around and taking things in confused me and bought on anxiety attacks. I realized I was behaving differently and to avoid feeling bullied I needed to practice acting like everyone else.

To act like them would be to know them more and without eye contact you don’t really know anyone

I started putting eye contact to the test and started in shops and soon found out that no one was going to really bite my head off for looking . I realized that this massive thing which was a problem for me all my life was not a problem for everyone else.

Therapy

It is important to have some therapeutic activity as part of a daily routine as this can help relieve repetitive negative behaviour. For example, becoming an artist added routine to my life and assisted greatly in the move to positive behaviour. Without it, the temptation would be to self harm especially in institutions where negative behaviour can be copied.

The main thing with a person suffering from autism it takes great courage in making their first small step towards a structured adult life.